We are a mobile generation. You no longer have to stand still to talk to someone (those silly scooter things; definitely a big help when you don’t want to speak to said someone, though), drink a pint of beer (in Germany they’re encouraging those weird beer-wagons even more in the modern age, the ones you sit and pedal and drink on), or throw a sickie. Instead you can be anywhere you so wish doing whatever it is you wish, providing you can put on a suitably gravelly voice to trick your boss into thinking you are dying in your bed. But mobile does not suit all things, of course. And Tea, probably the greatest invention since sarcasm, has suffered gravely for it.

I can’t handle seeing somebody drinking tea while walking. It’s disgusting. It’s wrong. And passive-tea-watching is, although many are unaware, one of the leading causes of global depression: watching someone walking and drinking tea is exactly the same as trying to read a good book while on a high-speed train. It makes you feel nauseous, disgusted, and bitter to the point that buying a Chris De Burgh greatest-hits album doesn’t seem like a half bad idea.

Why are there no laws to protect us passive tea watchers? Good question. Right up there with ‘why do you never see celebrities fall down the stairs on Big Brother’ or ‘who decided it was a good idea to take the Wispa chocolate bar off the shelves?’ It amazes me that smoking has been banned, yet passive-tea-watching is still not recognized as the massive problem it indeed is. Go to any train station or even resorts in the land and you’ll be able to catch these criminals. It simply must stop for the sake of us and our children and their children and well, I’m getting carried away now.

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